I’m literally shaking and crying right now. We regret to inform you, but Pew News Anchor, friend, and overall beautiful woman, Poppy Gloria, was found dead in her apartment by Mary Katherine Ham earlier this week.
Upon investigation, local police say the incident was likely a murder, but that there is not enough hard evidence to say so definitively. The closed-circuit security cameras on the premises were recording for the entire evening, but unfortunately, when they were removed and played back for investigators, the camera quality was too low for officials to identify a perpetrator.
When asked about the incident, Mary Ham had this to say:
Oh noMary Katherine Ham
The entire world is in shock right now. One of the most reliable news hosts ever to grace the internet with news, has died. These are some of the reactions sprinkled across the internet from Poppy Gloria’s legions of fans:
Some officials suspected Mary Ham to be the murderer, since she was the only person in the room with Poppy Gloria that night. Her fingerprints were also found on a gun and several knives which were lying next to Poppy Gloria’s body. However, the record clearly shows that no Pew News anchor has ever told a lie, or presented any form of misinformation ever, so officials immediately dropped Ms. Ham as a suspect.
The crime scene was filled with disturbing imagery, such as a message on the wall (written in blood, later identified to be Poppy Gloria’s) which read “Lashed when lost.” Although on first impression this seemed to be a very obscure motive, authorities suspected this was a clue, and investigators collaborated with cryptologists to unscramble the letters, finding that the message could be translated to “End all the shows.”
Days later, questioning on Mary Ham resumed, after no other suspects could be found. After questioning, the local chief of police released this message to the public:
We had a very nice discussion with Mary Ham in her knife room, which is the room where she keeps all of her knives. She told us very plainly and repeatedly that she did not commit the murder, and did not see the other person who obviously did murder Ms. Gloria, and then proceeded to ramble on about how much she likes ham… but it was hard for myself and the other officers to hear her soft voice over the sound of her loudly sharpening knives while she stared at us.Chief Spedaicy
When mourning with the rest of the Pew News staff the next day, Ms. Ham insisted to the rest of the staff that she only uses knives to cut ham. She also began speaking backwards and hovering slightly off of the ground for a minute or two, but it was nothing out of the ordinary. For now, the public must wonder who would do such an awful thing.
May Poppy Gloria rest in peace, and may your killer be found with all expediency.