Pew News History

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The Pew News intro stinger, displayed alongside theme music before each news brief.

Pew News premiered on February 3, 2018.

Felix Kjellberg founded Pew News, but only hosted the news a single time. As time has progressed, over a dozen different presenters have hosted the news. However, only a few have taken the coveted role of Lead Anchor presenting the news on The World’s Most Trusted News Source. Of these few, none have been more prominent than the people’s favorite news anchor, Gloria Borger.

Over the years, Gloria Borger proved to be a reliable and trustworthy source of news, adding insightful commentary and scathing critique. Many young people were inspired to pursue a career in honest journalism, a profession that seemed to be dying out day by day, due to increasingly dishonest or duplicitous reporting undermining the previously sterling reputation of the traditional news media, which was hard-won by reporting legends such as Walter Cronkite and Ron Burgundy.

However well things seemed to be going, trouble was brewing in Paradise, for when Pew News aired on June 16, 2018, a great many fans were upset to find that Gloria Borger had been summarily replaced without warning, by the relative newcomer Poppy Harlow. Backlash to this change was severe, with thousands of fans angrily writing in to Pew News to express disdain at the choice to switch anchors so abruptly. Conversely, a healthy contingent of fans voiced approval at the introduction of someone different, expressing warm support for the younger Ms. Harlow, whose general cheerfulness, charm, and cheek-popping antics had already won over their hearts.

Although I am not supposed to give my own personal opinion, I think that Felix Kjellberg, President and CEO of Pew News, was probably unsatisfied with many of the other reporters, which may have been the cause of the frequent replacements: Guillermo Arduino, Wolf Blitzner, Brooke Baldwin, Don Lemon, Kate Riley, Anders Coopers, and even former First Lady of the United States, Michelle Obama, have hosted the news show over the past year.

The backlash to Borger’s untimely disappearance did not go unnoticed in the higher levels of Pew News management. In the aftermath of the outrage, Gloria Borger returned as Co-Lead Anchor of Pew News, alongside Poppy Harlow. The two anchors, who, in any case, never appeared to bear any great antipathy between them, have put aside their differences and now alternate irregularly hosting Pew News. Strangely enough, they seemed to morph into the same person, calling “themself,” in turn, both of the amalgamated names Poppy Gloria or Poppy Borger.

At that point, it seemed the rivalry between anchors was over and done with. However, trouble in Paradise reared its ugly head yet again, during a particularly vicious news cycle in May 2019. Lies and slander were being thrown fast and thick, in a truly yawn-worthy drama showdown, the likes of which even the most battle-hardened veteran anchors go out of their way to avoid. Yet, like the consummate professional she was (and is), Poppy Gloria waded in to the fight gallantly: mic in hand, smartly dressed, heartily smiling, and willing to brave the insult-slinging and unsubscribing masses, in order to provide the truth. But the nature of the truth is sometimes a double-edged sword—yes, it will set you free… but sometimes, it will also set you free from employment.

And so, after providing only what she was paid to provide (the aforementioned truth), legions of unhappy Pew News readers felt that Poppy’s deft reporting of “the tea” (as it were) was hastily delivered and under-researched—unsophisticated at best, and downright nefarious at worst. In the face of the backlash, Pew News buckled to the mounting pressure, announcing a new face to take over the weekly broadcast, named: Mary Katherine Ham. The management at Pew News put out the following statement: “Due to poor research that does not represent the hard working esteemed staff here at Pew News, we have decided to let go Poppy Gloria from our news team, and… [Ms. Gloria] …is terminated immediately. Poppy Gloria responded with You can’t fire me! I’m Poppy Gloria, 🙊🙊🙊 it!” For her part, Ms. Ham had this to say: “I like ham.”

After the abrupt dismissal, Pew News fans around the world began rioting in the streets, responding on social media with such hashtags as #bringbackpoppygloria and #poppydidnothingwrong, among other less-publishable phrases. Widespread sentiment shared by Poppy Gloria’s supporters intimated that her censurers were biased, being enraged merely at the thought of Poppy’s calm demeanor, and the even-handed treatment she dealt to all parties, while dispensing truth to the masses.

After digging into the facts of the matter, even Mary Katherine Ham chimed in with a sound byte encompassing her feelings on the matter: “It looks like Poppy Gloria was right all along, and maybe she shouldn’t have been fired after all. Too bad.” and clapped back at the haters, saying “Maybe you should do some research, 🙊🙊🙊 it!”, even adding, I loved Poppy Gloria; she was like a father to me! She later followed up that statement with another: “I hope this could serve as a lesson to the internet in not jumping to conclusions without there being more evidence about certain things… I don’t think the internet should be a court of justice. But that’s just my opinion.